B&B proprietors are revolting! In the nicest possible manner. Theobjects of their ire are internet sites such as TripAdvisor whichallow ordinary tubes to say what they think of places in whichthey've stayed.
One couple, who owned a B&B in Cumbria, say their business wentkaput as a result of a bad crit by two guests who complained thatthere was no en suite accommodation (which the owners never claimedthere was) and that there were only scrambled eggs for breakfast,even though that was all they'd asked for. Had they, say, requestedquails' eggs and Meersault then doubtless that would have beenforthcoming.
Protests to TripAdvisor had little effect, and the B&B owners saythey were ordered not to contact their critics and told they werenow "under surveillance". How spooky is that! Needless to say thecouple are mightily dischuffed, mentioning only in passing andwithout prejudice that the guests in question were vegetarian andwere probably expecting a twig or two of something green to garnishtheir peely-wally platter. Outrageous!
THE sackings of Andra Gray and Richard Keys as presenters onSkye, an island, continue to cause a kerfuffle. My own interest, Iconfess, peaked almost as soon as it was piqued. I have neversubscribed to Skye, principally because I was reliably informed thatits coverage of sports such as shinty, haggis tossing and mince-round hurling was pathetic.
I am, however, somewhat surprised by the reaction of my dearfriend Edwina Currie, the erstwhile Em-Pee, who on Question Timedescribed Mr Gray as a "fat slob and an awful man" because he madelewd suggestions involving an innocent microphone to a femalecolleague. Could this, one wonders, be the same saucy vindaloo who,when she appeared a few moons ago at a Hootsmon literary luncheon,handled a microphone in a manner that made several Morningside dameswiggle in their corsets? Unlike Mr Gray, however, Ms Currie did notattempt to thrust the microphone down her trousers but in thegeneral direction of that part of her body from which so muchrubbish is emitted.
TODAY in Noo Yawk, my old chum, Loopy Rupe Murdoch, proprietor ofthe Sunday Phone Hacker and other propaganda rags, launched "theworld's first-ever iPad only newspaper". It's called The Daily.This, one assumes, was not the doing of a Don Draper de nos jour.The Daily! Is that the best Old Loopy could do?
Needless to say, Mr Loopy's lackeys championed this "$30 milliongamble" (copyright The Times) and hailed its "mouthwatering" (dittoThe Currant Bun) future. "So," pondered The Currant Bun, "is thisthe future of newspapers?"
Or does it rest with the likes of Rhian, 23, from Manchester, itstop-heavy page three pin-up who, even as she was peeling off herkit, was able to provide some much needed wisdom vis-a-vis theGovernment's economic strategy. "As one of my favourite writersMiguel de Cervantes Saavedra wrote," remarked Rhian, lookingglaikitly into the camera, "To be prepared is half the victory."
But back to The Daily Drool. Sport, apparently, is the sectionthat holds most "potential". For example, ahead of the Super Bowlthere is a feature about "what it's like to stand in the tunnel".Wow! Travel regularly between Glasgow and Edinburgh and you won'tneed an iPad to tell you just what that feels like.
THE "axe" - hee-haw! - is hovering over the Forestry Commission.Not only, it seems, are "millions" of trees threatened andunspecified numbers of wildlife due to be "neglected", some 400staff are likely to lose their jobs, 100 of them in Teuchterland.This is all outlined in a leaked document called Shaping The FutureOf Forestry Commission England.
You may wonder, therefore, what in the name o' the wee man thishas to do with Us. To which all I have to say is: "Wonder on." Thereis, I gather, a bit of a stushie taking place Down South because thedastardly Coalition, which consists mainly of Eton-educatedlumberjacks, has decided to privatise forests in Ingerland andWales.
In the shires especially this has been received with muchgirning. You can leave the elderly to maunder, shut hospitals,libraries, and murder bus routes, but you dare not touch a twigwithout Outraged, Tunbridge Wells, reaching for a chainsaw. This isbecause, says Dame Fiona Reynolds of the National Trust, woodlands"evoke something primeval in us all - the need to be close tonature, the joy of bluebells in spring or crunching through leavesin autumn".
I fear her Dameship may be barking up a deaf trunk. For as theold saw goes, votes don't grow on trees.
IS nowt sacred? I refer to the simply awful news that overnightcounts at elections may be about to be consigned to history'srecycling bin. The first sign of this crazy idea may be seen in Mayat the counts for Holyrood. Thereafter it could become the norm.
At present counting begins the minute the polls close at 10 pee-em. In future, however, this could be delayed until the followingmorning by which time, says Iain Grump, Laybore's leader, most folkwill be past caring who's won. "There must be no delay in countingthe ballot papers," he says, having at last found a policy voterscan get their heids round.
On this matter Mr Grump and I are as one.
Many a time and oft have I lingered at counts, waitingexpectantly to see who's triumphed. For example, at last year'sGeneral Election I spent several tantalising hours in the boondockswhile Jim Murphy, erstwhile Secretary of State for Teuchterdom,fought to cling on to his deckchair, which, of course, he did.
That, though, was merely a sideshow. Much more entertaining werethe bit players who purported to support this candidate or anotherbut who really wanted to stay up all night and revel in thesuspense. Clearly several were certifiable bampots while otherslooked as if they'd been recently evicted.
This, I felt, was democracy in action. This was what put the"great" into Britain. No more. We are but a few short steps awayfrom anarchy.
Congratulations to the Guardian which last weekend made Egypt'scapital the cover subject of its travel magazine. "If you want arelaxing, hassle-free family break just five hours from London,Cairo is probably not the first choice." Never were more timeouswords scribbled.
Edwina Currie gave her judgment on Andy Gray on Question Time
MONSIEUR Sarkozy has told French state TV to stop broadcastingtripe. Hence its screening of an adaptation of Proust's RemembranceOf Things Past, much of whose first volume consists of its herotrying to get to sleep. Pass the remote!
Watching MP Jim Murphy hold onto his seat made for a fine night
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